Thoughts and Advice About Making a Visit During Shiva

Entering a shiva house can be difficult for some of us.  As we cross the threshold, however, the needs of the mourners become our only concern; we come only to give the comfort of our physical and mental presence.  Yet, as we come to pay our respects to the deceased, we are each dealing with the loss of that precious life.  At the same time, Jewish tradition asks that our first concern in this shiva house not be with our own feelings, but with those of the family.  To help us to momentarily put aside our own grief, Jewish tradition guides us about appropriate behavior in a house of mourning.

Do not ring the doorbell.  The door will be open or unlocked, since all are invited to comfort the mourners.

If you are bringing food, take it to the kitchen and mark your containers with your name.

Enter quietly and take a seat next to the family members.  The tradition is to be silent, waiting for the mourner to initiate any conversation.  But the offer of a hug, kiss, or arm around the shoulder is fine, along with a simple “I'm so sorry” or the like.  But remember to let the mourner set the tone.  For example, you may feel a strong need to talk about the person who died, but the family might not be emotionally able to handle it right then.  Conversely, sharing memories may be exactly what they need to do.  Or they may just wish to sit quietly and say nothing at all.  If family members do seem to want to talk, then you can share a personal memory about the deceased if you know one, or simply be there to listen.

A shiva visit should be relatively brief.  If many visitors are present, try not to spend longer than 10 minutes with family members.  There will be others who also want to speak with them, and you can always come back.  If you are the only visitor, then you can spend more time, but try to take your lead from the mourners.  Some suggest that a shiva visit should be no more than an hour, because the mourners will need time to rest.  If you came from a distance, don't feel you have to rush off.  Just be sensitive to the mourners’ needs.

Participate in the minyan, which gives the mourners the opportunity to say kaddish.  If the rabbi, cantor or leader asks for stories about the deceased, please share one, even or especially if it is somewhat humorous.

Talk to your friends quietly and spend time reminiscing about the deceased, if appropriate.  Please remember that the gathering at the shiva home should not be used as an opportunity to socialize with friends, talk about business, or do anything other than focus on the needs of the family and friends of the person who died.